A DellBQ?

Have you ever worked a project like this?

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the turkey back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

* The stamp was in perfect order
* There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive
* People were spitting on the wrong side

Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies’ group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found a dusty old Angel food cake mix in the back of her kitchen cabinet and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured.

She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.” This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive and not wanting anyone to think she was not the perfect woman able to handle all things at all times or that, Heaven forbid, she not participating in her church’s bazaar, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom — a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified. Everyone would know …what would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended a fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP’ed she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South…. and to Alice’s horror the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor’s wife said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice was still stunned and trying to formulate what words she would use to explain the situation, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, “Thank you, I baked it myself.”

Alice smiled and thought to herself, “There is a God.”

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I sorry but I can’t remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”

• The process becomes more important than the product
• You don’t see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about
• You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there
• You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one

answering them.

• You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money
• You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym
• You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms
• You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance:
• A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor
• The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention
• You’ve sat at the same desk for 10 years, done the same thing for 10 years, but have had 3 different business cards

Each evening a bird lover, Tom, stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night an owl called back to him. For a year, Tom and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the “conversation.” Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with her neighbor. “My husband spends his nights calling out to owls,” she said. “That’s odd,” the neighbor replied, “so does mine.”

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, every one knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job four years ago he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars, play golf, cruise around, and shoot the breeze with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter graduated from college he doesn’t even pretend to like me. What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete’s sake, you don’t need him anymore. You’re a United States Senator from New York — act like it.

A man was sitting next to a blonde, waiting to board a plane in Dallas. She was engrossed in her newspaper which carried an item with a bold headline reading, “12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed.”

She shook her head as she pointed out the sad news to the man.

Then, before turning away, she asked, “How many is a Brazilian?”