A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Three worms were placed into separate jars.

1. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
2. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
3. The third worm was put into a jar of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

1. The first worm in alcohol - DEAD.
2. The second worm in cigarette smoke - DEAD.
3. The third worm in good, clean soil - ALIVE.

So the minister asked the congregation, “What can you learn from this demonstration?”

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink or smoke, you won’t have worms.”

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Larry the Cable Guy talks with Jay Leno about Home Depot.

An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old general sends for his trusty Indian scout. “You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here.”

The trusty Indian scout lies down and puts his ear to the ground. “Heap large war party,” he says, “maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many, many guns.
Medicine man also with them.”

“Good grief!” exclaims the general. “You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?”

“No,” replies the Indian, “I can see under the gate.”

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks her for her driver’s license. She searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, “What does it look like?”

The officer tells her, “It’s that thing with your picture on it.” The driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees herself.

She hands the compact to the cop. After a few seconds looking at the compact, the cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the driver, and says, “If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing.”

A penguin with a death wish.

[13 January 2005, Croatia] One fateful afternoon, 55-year-old Marko retreated to his semi-detached workshop to make himself a tool for chimney cleaning. The chimney was too high for a simple broom to work, but if he could attach a brush to a chain and then weigh it down with something, that would do the trick. But what could he use as a weight?

He happened to have the perfect object. It was heavy, yet compact. And best of all, it was made of metal, so he could weld it to the chain. He must have somehow overlooked the fact that it was also a hand grenade and was filled with explosive material.

Marko turned on his welding apparatus and began to create an arc between the chain and the grenade. As the metal heated up, the grenade exploded. The force of the explosion killed poor Marko instantly, blasting shrapnel through the walls of the shed and shattering the windshield of a Mercedes parked outside. Marko’s chimney was untouched, however.

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each other’s friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, “Please don’t be angry with me dear, but I’m embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I’m trying to remember, but I just can’t.”

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, “How soon do you have to know?”

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

• Our last name stays put.

• The garage is all ours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• We can be President.
• We can never be pregnant.
• We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• We can wear no shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell us the truth.
• The world is our urinal.
• We never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• We don’t have to stop and think about which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress: $5000. Tux rental: $100.
• People never stare at your chest when they’re talking to you.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
• One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• We can open all your own jars.
• We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite me, he or she can still be my friend.
• Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• We almost never have strap problems in public.
• We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• We only have to shave our face and neck.
• We can play with toys all our life.
• Our belly usually hides our big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
• We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look.
• We can “do” our nails with a pocket knife.
• We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache or a beard.
• We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder we’re happier.

Ugh.