Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.”

… If you’ve lived in Colorado, you’ll understand …

Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Colorado and California.

Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Idaho started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window. “What the heck are you doing?” demanded the Nebraskan.

We have so many of these darn things in Idaho, I am just sick of looking at them!”

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska began pulling ears of corn from her bag and tossing them from the window.

“What are you doing that for?” asked the gal from Colorado.

“We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I am just sick of looking at them!”

Inspired, the gal from Colorado opened the car door and pushed the Californian out.

“My boyfriend, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood, it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.”

Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife’s better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, “Honey, I’m home!”

“And just where have you been?” she replied sharply. “It’s after seven o’clock!”

• For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. (H L Mencken)
• Every decision you make is a mistake. (Edward Dahlberg)
• Our business in life is not to succeed, but to continue to fail in good spirits. (Robert Louis Stephenson)
• Only one thing is certain - that is, nothing is certain.
  If this statement is true, it is also false. (Ancient
  Paradox)

• Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. (Will Rogers)
• There is nothing more requisite in business than dispatch.
  (Joseph Addison)

• There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.
  (Goethe)

• A moment’s insight is sometimes worth a life’s experience.
  (Oliver Wendell Holmes)

• Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it. (Henry Ford)
• If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn’t thinking. (George Patton)
• Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness. (Cullen Hightower)
• Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory.
  Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat. (Sun
  Tzu)

• Planning without action is futile; action without planning is fatal. (Unknown)
• The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in his temple before the battle is fought. The general who loses makes but few calculations beforehand. (Sun Tzu)
• Confidence is what you feel before you comprehend the situation. (Proverb)
• A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. (Mitch Ratliffe)

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, “What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?”

“Well…” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” answered the director, “a normal person would pull the plug.”

Benign……………….What you be after you be eight.
Artery……………….The study of paintings.
Bacteria……………..Back door to cafeteria.
Barium……………….What doctors do when patients die.
Caesarian Section……..The Italian part of town.
CATscan………………Searching for kitty.
Cauterize…………….Made eye contact with her.
Colic………………..A sheep dog.
Coma…………………A punctuation mark.
D & C………………..Where Washington is.
Dilate……………….To live long.
Enema………………..Not a friend.
Fester……………….Quicker than someone else.
Fibula……………….A small lie.
Genital………………Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series…………..World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail……………..What you hang your coat on.
Impotent……………..Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain……………Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff…………A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid……………….A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates……………..Cheaper than day rates.
Node…………………I knew it.
Outpatient……………A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear…………….A fatherhood test.
Pelvis……………….Second Cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative………..A letter carrier.
Recovery Room…………Place to do upholstery.
Rectum……………….Dang near killed him.
Secretion…………….Hiding something.
Seizure………………Roman emperor.
Tablet……………….A small table.
Terminal Illness………Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor………………..A couple extra.
Urine………………..Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose……………..Near by/close by.

These are real examples from real resumes:

*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat — just like my three previous employers.

*Job Responsibilities*
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

*Special Requests and Job Objectives*
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
- I procrastinate — especially when the task is unpleasant.

*Physical Disabilities*
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

*Personal Interests*
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.
- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
- I’m a rabid typist.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

“Welllllll, what have we here?”
I have no idea and I’m hoping you’ll give me a clue.

“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. — I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.

“This may hurt a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“There is a lot of that going around.”
That’s the third one this week! I’d better learn something about this.

“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I’m off next week.

The biggest problem of cryogenics isn’t whether future advances in technology will enable you to be unfrozen and brought back to life 10,000 years from now; it’s whether 250 consecutive generations of security guards earning $6.50 an hour will remember to check the thermostat every night.