Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

“Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”

“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter?”

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, ’tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”

Once, I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified so that it fell into a new area outside of the Information Technology staff.

One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the unit directly behind me. He studied the flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.

I then ended my career by replying, “Actually, sir, it’s cooling the room. The computer is over there.”

Always be wary of someone who brings a spoon to a knife fight. That means they’re either crazy or really good at killing people with spoons, both of which you usually want to avoid.

1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?

So you’ve decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you’ve joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.

(more…)

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him.

For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man’s legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.”

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff!”

If this is funny to you, then you’re getting old…

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, “Where is everybody?”

The bartender replied, “They’ve gone to the hanging.”

“Hanging? Who are they hanging?”

“Brown Paper Pete,” the bartender replied.

“What kind of a name is that?” the cowboy asked.

“Well,” said the bartender, “he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper shoes.”

“That’s strange,” said the cowboy. “What are they hanging him for?”

“Rustling,” said the bartender.

Bubba Wayne and Billy Bob, who are both from Moultrie, Georgia, traveled to Atlanta for a vacation.

While walking along a busy downtown street, they see a sign in a store window which reads, “Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each and Trousers $2.50 a pair.”

Bubba Wayne says, “Woo Hoo, Billy Bob! We could buy a whole gob of these clothes, take ‘em back to Moultrie, sell ‘em to all our friends and make a fortune fer us.”

Bubba Wayne continues, “Now when we go in there, don’t you say a word, okay? Just let me do the talkin’ ’cause if they hear your South Georgia accent, they might think we’re ignorant, and they won’t wanna sell them clothes to us. Now, I’ll talk in fake Northern talk so’s they won’t know.”

They go in and Bubba Wayne says with his best fake Yankee accent, “I’ll take 50 of them thar suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them thar shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them thar trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll just back up my pickup and……”

The owner of the shop interrupts, “Ya’ll from South Georgia, ain’cha?”

“Well….yeah,” says a surprised Bubba Wayne. “How come’d you know that?”

The owner replies, “Cause this here’s a dry-cleaners.”

John went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink “come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said John. Six months later the doctor met John on the street.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred bucks a visit? I went on one of those “Dude Ranch” vacations and an old cowboy cured me for the price of a bottle of whiskey.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t nobody under there now!!!