There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them. Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as “mother,” although she didn’t mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of non traditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother’s house. “But mother, won’t this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?” Red Riding Hood’s mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form. “But mother, aren’t you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?”
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39. “I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.”
38. “Duct tape won’t fix that.”
37. “Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.”
36. “Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.”
35. “We don’t keep firearms in this house.”
34. “Has anybody seen my sideburn trimmer?”
33. “You can’t feed that to the dog.”
32. “I thought Graceland was tacky.”
31. “No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.”
30. “Wrasslin’s fake.”
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The story behind the letter below is that there is an individual in
Newport, RI, who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds
to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names and
insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists
and does this in his spare time! Anyway, here’s an actual response from the
Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are
challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation, in writing.
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
“93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post…Hominid skull.” We
have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to
inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive
proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years
ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie
doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes
to be “Malibu Barbie.”
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who
are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number
of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its
modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically
fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
proto-homonids.
The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the
common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene
clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence
seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much
detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don’t have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the
heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to
carbon-dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.
To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956
AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly,
we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science
Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I,
for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but
was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was
hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is,
nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem
to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has
reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff
speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site
you have discovered in your Newport back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to
pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your
theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a
structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur
you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm
Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
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PERSONAL HYGIENE
- Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s own truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
- Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It’s a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
DINING OUT
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
- Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
- Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
- If your dog falls in love with a guest’s leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
DATING (Outside the Family)
- Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
- No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men’s bathroom wall two years ago.”
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it’s the boy’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
- If a girl’s name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
- Even if you can’t get a date, avoid kidnapping. It’s bad for your reputation.
- Always allow your date first pick of any roadkill you run across.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
WEDDINGS
- Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
- When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
- A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.
- For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
- Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
- Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
- Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- Always say “Excuse me” after getting sick in someone else’s car.
- It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it’s considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
- The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
- Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?” “Sand,” answered Juan. The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. “Hey, buddy,” says the guard, “I know you’re smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
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The boss asked for a letter describing Bob Smith:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
——————————————————————-
A memo was soon sent following the letter:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines
(1, 3, 5, .etc..) for my true assessment of him.
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