Mess Test

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons.

Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (if Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

Grocery Store Test

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more songs and sing these too until 4:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

Physical Test (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment

Find a couple who has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

BUXTON, NC - A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. You just wouldn’t believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their hands, using pails from kids,” Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said.

LOMPOC, CA - In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

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An anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite astounding:

From Shakespeare’s Hamlet:

Politicians:

And a famous quote:

GM, Ford or Chrysler don’t have a “help line” for people who don’t know how
to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers—- but
imagine if they did…

HELPLINE: “GM helpline, how can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened?”
HELPLINE: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
CUSTOMER: What’s an ignition?
HELPLINE: It’s a starter motor that draws current from you battery and turns
over the engine.
CUSTOMER: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all
of these technical terms just to use my car??!!

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Part I …

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?” Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude.

I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled “You’re a jerk!” and hung up.

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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowered the balloon further and shouted,

“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below said, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology.” said the balloonist.

“I do,” replied the man, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you’ve told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below said, “You must be an executive.”

“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

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Once upon a time in a town very far away from anyplace that ever made any sense, there was a pond just outside the village square. Lovers would walk hand in hand along the trail near the water’s edge, mindful not to break any of the numerous town ordinances about how friendly couples could and could not get in public, and exactly what combinations of genders those couples could consist of in this good old fashioned family-values town burgeoning with lily-white rosy-cheeked boys and girls frolicking in the summer sun. Mothers pushed their baby strollers, and people would picnic on the grass along side the lake. Children would feed the ducks and cast their lines into the water in hopes of snagging a sunfish or a carp. Life was good in this small American town.

Then, one day, the city fathers needed to find a way to spend up some extra money before the end of the year, because they knew that a surplus of accumulating cash could lead to lower taxes, less town revenue, and fewer justifiable contracts to their friends who fed them kickbacks to help pay for that apartment over in Sin City where they stashed the mistress and spent most of their time finding kinkier reasons to take massive dosages of antibiotics not issued by the hometown HMO.

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Quotes from Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.

“The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather.”

“I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.”

“If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate.”

“First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I’m a night owl.”

“B**ch set me up.”

“I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where’s Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less.”

“The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist.”

“I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?”

“People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president’s. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are.”

“The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice.”

“I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600’s. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican.”

“What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?”

“People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn’t break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? Would it??

“I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man.”

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown and came with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly using polite language, playing soft music; he did anything he could think of to set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and it only became angry and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was quiet. David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. To his astonishment, the parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said: “I’m sorry that I might have offended you with my language and behavior and I beg your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.” David was completely bemused by the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused it when the parrot continued: “May I ask what the chicken did?”